Melissa Francis : Bitchin' Fiction
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Friday, March 31, 2006
When things go right...

Well, despite Mexican Food issues, yesterday turned out to be a great day.

First off, I received the thumbs up from Deidre on the synopsis for my current WIP. She was very excited about it and that really fueled my motivation.

Then, I had to leave work early thanks to the afore mentioned Mexican food, so I though my day was going downhill fast. But I got home, called Maria, and we started to chat about my story. I was happy with what I had so far, but something was missing. I couldn't quite figure it out. So, Maria suggested I read the thread on scene and sequel in our RWA Online forum and maybe that would help me see things differently.

To be honest, I had been avoiding that thread. I get so overwhelmed sometimes by the rules of the craft. But, Maria is all-knowing, so I had to at least give it a shot.

I'm so glad I did. I didn't even get through the first page before I had an "aha!" moment.

The scene is what is happening. It's the action. Okay, I get that. Every scene has a goal, a conflict, and a disaster. I get that, too. Or so I thought.

Something that kept catching my eye: The more dramatic the disaster the better.

Okay. Fine. I'll just keep reading.

Every scene has a main goal. It doesn't have to be anything big. It's just the purpose of the scene. The disaster is the final twist that stops the pov character from achieving his/her goal.

I didn't have to go any further. I realized where I had gone wrong. My disasters weren't really disasterous. They were more like hurdles. They didn't stop the character from achieving the goal in the scene, they just made it more difficult.

So, my characters were achieving their goals which made the conflict kinda blah.

It's soooo much better now, thanks to a quick brainstorming session with Maria. And I took my pages from 38 to 45 last night.

I love it when things go right!

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:49 AM | | links to this post


Thursday, March 30, 2006
"Pressing" matters

I live in Mississippi and I'm so glad to know that my lawmakers are spending my tax dollars and their quality time on the important things. I mean, honestly, I've been growing more and more concerned about the influx of the three-dimensional-genitalia-devices this state has seen. We need to nip this trend in the bud. (If you don't know sarcasm when you read it, we need to talk) LOL
------------------
From MSNBC:

Mississippi outlaws sex toys (Dan Abrams)

There is a landmark legal battle of constitutional proportions being fought down in Mississippi. It involves fundamental rights protected by the First and Fourteenth Amendments, not to mention the rights of certain small business owners to satisfy their customers. This week, another court refused to recognize Mississippians’ right to find companionship for 29.99 and so a law outlawing the sale of sex toys will stand.

“A person commits the offense of distributing unlawful sexual devices when he knowingly sells, advertises, publishes or exhibits to any person any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs or offers to do so or possesses such devices with the intent to do so.”

Well, I am glad to see that the local legislators are focusing on the most pressing issues of the day. I’ve long believed that a three-dimensional, possibly battery-operated device is far more menacing than a handgun. In Mississippi, people can buy guns at a gun show with no background check and certain weapons can be carried almost anywhere. Sure, guns and toys can bring joy and a sense of comfort to the user, but apparently the legislators concluded that a genital replica is a far greater threat to society.

This, from a state that levies only an 18-cent tax on cigarettes, 55 cents below the national average and where 62 percent of residents are overweight, making it the fattest state in the country. Yet still the public schools don’t make gym class compulsory. Mississippi’s laws would make you believe sex is the single greatest threat to public safety and well-being. After all, it’s illegal in Mississippi to have sex with someone you’re not married to or to live with someone other than your spouse.

Both can result in a $500 fine and six months in jail. And men are not permitted to be aroused in public. But at least good people are protected from the disfigurement that could result from an accidental electrical overload from a defective toy.

Georgia and Texas have passed similar bans and courts have repeatedly ruled the legislators have the power to do it. I guess the Second Amendment doesn’t say anything about the right to bear a stimulation device.

But the sex activists are not closing up shop in the South Pole just yet. They formed a lobbying group based in Florida called the National Alliance of Adult Trade Organizations or NAATO. Not, of course, to be confused with the other NATO, which is based in Brussels.

I don’t mean to pick on Mississippi. I love the state and the people, but I just don’t get why the legislators are fighting so hard for this law. We’re talking about adults here. It’s not that I really care about ensuring that these toys are ready accessible. Really. It’s just that you have to wonder, is one of these toys really a greater threat to the community than what real live people do to each other every day?


posted by Mel Francis @ 1:29 PM | | links to this post


Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Ready. Set. Write!


I'm getting my hair cut and colored today, so I took the afternoon off. Then I looked at my workload and realized I could take the whole day off without any real problems. So, this morning, I'm perched on my futon in the office with my mug of coffee and my laptop. I have Thieves to write about.

See y'all mañana!

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:11 AM | | links to this post


Sunday, March 26, 2006
Paying it forward for a REAL hero

Get ready to vote.

My friend, Terri Garey, is calling out for a favor.

As writers, we know all about heroes. Well, Terri's brother-in-law is a real life hero and this is your chance to say thank you to him. He is a Federal officer who works on the FBI's Innocent Images task force, tracking down internet predators. (Like on the recent Dateline report, TO CATCH A PREDATOR) He's devoted 21 years of his life to making other people's life safe and now he's been nominated as an America's Most Wanted All-Star.

The grand price is $10K and a trip. The winner is determined by votes. Please take a second and go vote for Phil Dubord at America's Most Wanted All-Star.

Thanks.

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:35 AM | | links to this post


Saturday, March 25, 2006
My Space

Well, I gave in and finally got myself a My Space account.

So, if you're also a member of My Space--make me happy and friend me.

This is all I needed...one more distraction. LOL

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:38 AM | | links to this post


Friday, March 24, 2006
Golden Heart and Rita Finalists announced today!


Good luck to all my friends who entered the GH and Ritas this year. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you!

Extra fingers crossed for Maria Geraci. She has written a helluva regency-set historical. It came close to finaling last year. Anyway, this story deserves to not only final--but to win.

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:07 AM | | links to this post


Thursday, March 23, 2006
fishdog’s flophaus: what a trip

fishdog’s flophaus: what a trip

Or, as I like to call it-- A day of firsts.

#1 boy's 1st real concert, 1st sex talk, 1st time getting patted down, 1st hubcap burger--all in one day.

And there are some pictures, too.

It's a little long but very enjoyable--as only my husband could make it.

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:38 AM | | links to this post


Tuesday, March 21, 2006
more on collages...

Are you sick of this topic yet? Well, tough noogies. This is my blog, dammit. Read it and like it.

Okay, so I may be a collage convert. It's not going to be for everyone, just like doing Q&A sessions with your characters isn't for everyone.

But, I'm trying to become a Plantser. Or mabye thats a Plotzer? I'm trying to combine my love for just letting the story come with plotting...It's not easy, btw. But it's something I have to learn in order to make a proposal work.

Anyway, I've had this new story swirling in my head for a while and the first two chaps came relatively easily, but it's pretty plot heavy and it really has to be plotted out. My strengths are character and dialogue. This plotting shit is for people who like to plan.

When Barbara talked about the collages opening up her mind and helping her to see her story better, I decided to try it. Honestly, it's not like I was really wasting time. I wasn't actually writing and the collaging would at least focus my energy somewhat.

I had nothing to lose.

So, this is what I discovered. I have a very vivid imagination but when it comes to clipping pictures, I'm very literal...Sure, there's some color and mood setting in my collage, but for the most part, it's very literal. I found myselfdrawn to words and the emotion they pricked in me. The book will be sexy and even though I've known that, I was still surprised at how many evocative pics I clipped.

I am very in tune with my hero. He's cocky (peacock and mirrors). My heroine, I'm still struggling with. I see her physically, and I understand her motivation, but she's being very secretive. I'm thinking of just doing a character collage to see what happens. I've never been good with the Q&A stuff. Those have never seemed to evoke my imagination or press my characters into opening up.

But maybe the collages will?

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:11 AM | | links to this post


Monday, March 20, 2006
Collages--or how to turn magazine scraps into inspiration

So, I mentioned earlier today that I did a collage for my current WIP this weekend. I know that Jenny Crusie and Barbara Samuel are big fans of the collaging thing, but I was very skeptical.

First off, it's very difficult for me not to analyze why the hell I'm clipping certain pictures. Turning off my internal "editor" so to speak was a bitch. But I found a way to help relax the editor into submission. MAKER'S MARK. Oh yeah, baby.

I just snipped and clipped my way through about six magazines. I ignored the fact that I was clipping a lot of words and physical representations of my book and just clipped.

Barbara's collages are mood and setting for her. Jenny finds theme in hers. I looked at my pile of scraps and thought, Kindergarten art project.
But, I wanted to give this a true shot. I put the collage together, just allowing my instincts to guide me. Here is the final product:It's not a 3-D work of art. It's not even pretty. But after it was all said and done, I looked at it, and GOT IT.

I have scenes in my head that weren't there before. (well, they were there, just hidden) I have dialogue running through my brain. I have a sense of place and mood.

Just out of curiosity, what do you guys see in this collage? Is there anything that you really picked up on immediately? Anything you are really drawn to?

posted by Mel Francis @ 5:40 PM | | links to this post



Monday, Monday

Misc.
I'm sleepy.

It's rainy here and we're supposed to have thunderstorms later today.

A cute guy in a celery green shirt just walked by my office. I don't know who he is but I should find out.

We have lots of outta-towners in the office today. It's loud. I don't feel like dealing with loud.

See, the stupid architect who designed our building was, well, STOOPID.

Our "offices" are glass cubes, basically. My office has 3 solid walls and one solid GLASS wall. It has no ceiling. I don't even know why I bother locking my door at night because all you need to do is get a ladder and hoist yourself over the wall.

Having no ceiling with a solid glass wall is like being in a fishbowl. Or maybe I'm a zoo animal. The guys in the loft can toss things into my office. (and they have) I hear everything...and it's loud because it's like the noise gets trapped in my little cage. So when all these outta-towners are here and all on their conference calls, it's like they have the speaker phone in my lap.

And it's all because of the STOOPID architect. The design may look cool, but it's about as functional as a dead toenail.

Writing Stuff
I worked on a collage for my book this weekend. I had never done that before but Barbara Samuel talked about it on one of my loops and it made sense to me, so I gave it a go. And then I went and looked at one of Jenny Crusie's collages, and I felt quite inadequate. She's like a collage -savant. I'm more of a collage-doofus. But it was very relaxing. Or maybe that was the bourbon. Who knows?

I'll post pics later and talk about what I did.

K. That's my monday-monday post. I'm going to do a little blog hopping and maybe find a hot picture of Matthew McC. to brighten my day.

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:37 AM | | links to this post


Saturday, March 18, 2006
My perfect partner and other stuff

Before I start writing this morning, I need a little inspiration. And since I've seen this meme all over Blogdom, I thought, this would be perfect as my inspiration.

I have a perfect partner. In REAL life. Not everything I do is made up or imaginary, thankyouverymuch.

Aren't we the cutest couple ever? You can read a little bit about him over at Fishdog's Flophaus. Or you can just take my word for it, he's perfect for me.
Now onto other stuff:

My friend Marley Gibson (who is also a TKA client) signed a four book deal with Puffin! You can read all about it here. (Marley is also the creator of Vanessa Virtue. If you haven't checked out that blog, I suggest you do so!)

What else is going on? I did a little blog hopping yesterday and for the longest time, I was forbidden to see Jill Monroe's blog. How does that happen? Why was I getting the FORBIDDEN 403 message? Was Jill Monroe doing something super secret that Mel Francis wasn't allowed to see? Was it a Secret Society of Bloggers that I wasn't invited to join? Of course, being forbidden made me even more determined to see what Jill Monroe was up to. My perserverance paid off and I finally remembered the secret handshake. Apparently, Jill was blogging about the NCAA Tournament and how Oklahoma let her down. Yeah, they let me down too. And so did my little Piggies. But that's okay, because I'm still in the top 5 of the office pool. I still have a shot.

Hmmm. What else? Kristen Painter refused to blog the other day. I even tempted her with WARM triple chocolate cake that I made for my son's birthday...but she didn't bite. She did, however, tell me I'm evil. Acutally, she said I was "poorly behaved". She has NOOOO idea how true that is.

Gena Showalter
did her good news Friday yesterday. And a couple of days ago she posted a picture asking folks if she was on drugs because she liked it. I went with the drugs, but apparently I'm in the minority.

I tried to see what Jaci Burton was up to, but all I got was a blank page. Of course, now I'm wondering if she's in on the Secret Society. What is her secret handshake? I wonder if I can bribe her with chocolate. Who am I kidding, of course I can.

Lucy got to see Matthew McC. yesterday. She's so lucky. Maria hasn't blogged in so long I'm worried her fingers have fallen off. It's a good thing we talk on the phone almost everyday. I've heard a rumor that she's going to blog about "Sexy-Ugly". And do you know who she thinks is "sexy-ugly"? Heath Ledger. Is she crazy? Is there anything ugly about this man?

Well, anyway. Maria will just have to post something and prove to me I'm wrong. (which I'm not). Good luck, sista-girl.

Savannah Jordan
did the wrasslin' thing last night. I don't get wrasslin' myself, but lots of folks do. Maybe if the big hunky guys weren't wearing panties and tights it would help.

and

Bonnie
posted a great Irish Blessing in honor of St. Patty's Day.

Okay, I'm done with Stuff. I visited other blogs yesterday but I am now out of my allotted blogging time. I'm off to finish my synopsis and post it to my crit group for appropriate slaughtering.

Check y'all later!

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:06 AM | | links to this post


Thursday, March 16, 2006
The book I wish I wrote

Okay, so for my birthday, my husband took me to see Matthew McConaughey. The man brings me to my knees. (yes, my husband does too, but right now, we're talking about Matthew McConaughey.) Saying his name gives me a mouth-gasm. (Say it with me, Matthew McConaughey. Did you feel it? The tingle and shudder? Oh yeah. you felt it.) I mean, look at the man!
and let's not forget his accent. Holy cow. The man could read straight from a contract law textbook and it would sound like poetry.

Anyway, I digress. This post isn't about the lust in my heart and loins for Matthew McC. It's about the book I wish I'd written.

Failure to Launch. Have you seen it yet? (Oh goody, an excuse to post another picture of my little Lust-Muffin)

This movie was exactly what it was supposed to be. Watching it was like reading a great romantic comedy. It had some fantastic secondary characters with brilliant dialogue and humor out the ass. All kinds of humor that could appeal to a wide audience.

This movie will never win an Oscar...nor should it. It's a good story, well acted, well, written, and it couldn't have been any better if it had tried. It's perfect for the genre of Romantic Comedy. It's what a good date movie should be.

Plus, it has Matthew McConaughey. (Did you feel the tingle that time?)

This movie is what I aspire to write when I tell my stories. It's a different take on the same story. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy and girl reunite. In between is some sex and laughter. But here's the thing...when watching this movie or reading this type of book, you don't see the "same story". If it's done right, it pulls you in so deep you may as well be a character. You're a voyeur in their world.

I hope I can do that one day. I hope one day, you guys will be a voyeur to my stories. And then blog about how great a story teller I am. :)

And I hope I can do all this before Matthew McC. is too old to play one of my heroes on screen. Sigh.

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:36 AM | | links to this post


Wednesday, March 15, 2006
You say it's your birthday!

In honor of my 37th birthday (which was yesterday) I stole the Age Gauge from Jill Monroe's blog. Here are some interesting facts surrounding my bday.


You said your birthday is 3 / 14 / 1969
which means you are 37 years old and about:

50 years 1 month younger than Zsa Zsa Gabor, age 87
38 years 9 months younger than Clint Eastwood, age 75
36 years 1 month younger than Kim Novak, age 73
33 years 1 month younger than Burt Reynolds, age 70
29 years 1 month younger than Nick Nolte, age 66
27 years 11 months younger than Ann-Margret, age 64
22 years 0 months younger than Billy Crystal, age 59
19 years 4 months younger than Whoopi Goldberg, age 56
16 years 8 months younger than Robin Williams, age 53
12 years 8 months younger than Tom Hanks, age 49
10 years 4 months younger than Jamie Lee Curtis, age 47
7 years 11 months younger than Eddie Murphy, age 44
1 year 4 months older than Jennifer Lopez, age 35
9 years 11 months older than Jennifer Love Hewitt, age 27
19 years 1 month older than Haley Joel Osment, age 17

and when these movies were released in the U.S. your age was:

The Godfather: 3
American Graffiti: 4
Jaws: 6
Star Wars: 8
Animal House: 9
Star Trek: The Motion Picture: 10
ET: 13
The Terminator: 15
Top Gun: 17
Planes, Trains & Automobiles: 18
Steel Magnolias: 20
Home Alone: 21
Wayne's World: 22
Jurassic Park: 24
Forrest Gump: 25
Fargo: 26
Saving Private Ryan: 29
Toy Story 2: 30

TV

42 years 9 months younger than Andy Griffith, age 79
39 years 3 months younger than Dick Clark, age 76
38 years 0 months younger than Leonard Nimoy, age 74
35 years 11 months younger than Carol Burnett, age 72
33 years 2 months younger than Alan Alda, age 70
31 years 8 months younger than Bill Cosby, age 68
26 years 4 months younger than Linda Evans, age 63
24 years 2 months younger than Tom Selleck, age 61
21 years 3 months younger than Ted Danson, age 58
18 years 11 months younger than Jay Leno, age 55
15 years 2 months younger than Oprah Winfrey, age 52
14 years 1 month younger than Kelsey Grammer, age 51
10 years 10 months younger than Drew Carey, age 47
7 years 9 months younger than Michael J. Fox, age 44
4 years 4 months younger than Calista Flockhart, age 41
0 years 1 month younger than Jennifer Aniston, age 37
3 years 9 months older than Alyssa Milano, age 33
8 years 8 months older than Colin Hanks, age 28
14 years 5 months older than Mila Kunis, age 22
22 years 3 months older than Madylin Sweeten, age 14

and that you were:

1 years old when All in the Family was first shown
3 years old at the time the TV series M*A*S*H began
6 years old when Saturday Night Live first aired
9 years old when CBS introduced Dallas
11 years old during the first airing of Hill Street Blues
13 years old at the time the first Cheers episode was televised
17 years old when L.A. Law was first aired on TV
18 years old at the time the series Married with Children began
21 years old when Seinfeld was first televised
22 years old in the month Home Improvement began
25 years old at the time the TV series Friends began
27 years old when Everybody Loves Raymond first aired
30 years old when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire began in the US

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:31 PM | | links to this post



Four Score!

My dear friend Vanessa Virtue tagged me so I thought I'd be nice and play. :) (I needed a blog anyway, thanks, VV!)


Four movies you would watch over and over:
The American President
Dirty Dancing
Bull Durham
The Replacements

Four places you have lived:
Bryant, AR
Benton, AR
Little Rock, AR
Oxford, MS


Four TV shows you love to watch:
Grey's Anatomy
Survivor
Boston Legal
Project Runway
(and Love Monkey, but it's been cancelled. WAH!)

Four places you have been on vacation:
Orlando
Las Vegas
Los Angeles
Williamsburg, VA

Four websites you visit daily:
RWA Online
Google
IMDB
Blogger

Four of your favorite foods:
CHEESE DIP
Tomato Soup
Cream Cheese
Biscuits and Gravy

Four places you would rather be right now:
Costa Rica
Asleep
Any Beach
Hot Springs, AR

Tag four friends you think will respond:
Maria Geraci
Gina Black
Lucy Sartain
Ellen Peters

posted by Mel Francis @ 3:54 PM | | links to this post


Friday, March 10, 2006
Let the party begin!

I love my birthday. It's my favorite time of the year.

Why? you ask...

Simple. It's because I get to see my friends and go to the horse races one more time.

We've been doing this for my birthday every year for a long time. I think close to 8 years.

Anyway, I'll see my best friend from high school and her husband:

Jen, Brian, and Mel

Then, I'll get to see one of my college roommates, PamPam and her husband Apple. (I introduced them, thankyouverymuch.)

Jen, Mel, and Pam (couldn't find my picture of Apple)


Maybe I'll be able to see my other college roommate, Lori (aka, LeLe-da-sandybooty-lyin'-ho-bitch) Sigh, can't find a picture of LeLe either. In my defense, she hasn't been able to come for the past few years, so I don't have a picture of her that isn't pretty darn old. Just envision a petite babe with reddish hair and an infectious smile...and that's LeLe.

And, my best male friend and one of my kids' godfathers will be there. Nick, the Godfodda:

(Nick is single and ready to play ladies. He's quite a catch. If you're in the KC area and wanna meet him, let me know!)

The other Godfodda and one of Mark's best friends from elementary school will be there:

Jim is in the green checked shirt and his wife, Holley, is turning away from the camera. Nick is in the background.


Glen and his wife Misty are joining us again:

Misty and Glenn



Michael J and his lovely wife Pattie are driving down from St. Louis again:

Pattie and Mike

Tracey and Paddy are also coming in from KC with Nick, but I can't find a picture of them, either. Sniff.


And last, but definitely not least, I get to see two of my favorite people in the world. Chris and DeeDee:
Aren't we a cute Triple? Dee2, Chris, and Mel

Yes, I get a night with my bestest friends in the world. Every year, we go to the races, then hang out in the Bier Garten of our favorite German Restaurant in Hot Springs, The Brau Haus. We act stupid and have the best time in the world.

And as great as all that is, I have to add one more thing. My husband. None of this would be the same without him. How awesome are we?


posted by Mel Francis @ 1:56 PM | | links to this post


Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Pouring myself a big old glass of "Wah!"

I need some good news. I need a joke. I need a laugh. I need something.

I'll tell you why...Since January 1 I have been working my butt off by exercising and eating right. I am trying to regain control of my life and I want to get healthy.

The first month was great...I missed 1 week of working out in January, but still managed to lose 11 lbs and 22 inches. (sounds like a lot of inches, but really, it's all over, and not that noticable)

February I missed 6 days of working out. The rest of the time I was faithful. I've been eating my five small meals a day. Getting in more veggies and fruits than ever...and I only lost 2 lbs.

-13 total.

Okay, I can live with that. Sure, I expected more...I thought I'd at least be at -15 if not a little more than that...but -13 is good. Especially since the six days I didn't work out I also wasn't very careful of what I ate.

I'm trying very hard not to be down on myself. I've made myself into an exercise machine. Since last Monday, I've worked out every day except for 1. I'm doing cardio and toning classes. I'm doing everything right. I'm eating right. EVERYTHING.

SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I LOSE ANOTHER OUNCE?

I actually gained a pound. Who does that? Who gains weight when eating right and exercising?

Melissa Francis. That's who.

I know muscle weighs more than fat and I know that chances are, I've put on some muscle mass. I KNOW this. Yet, I can't help but be pissed off at the whole damn thing. Why am I torturing myself if it's not working?

So, I need some good news. I need you guys to tell me what is good in your life so I won't sit and wallow in my pity party. I'm not a wallower. I don't like this. It's up to you...make me laugh. Tell me a joke. Share your great news with me.

Something.

Anything.

Don't let me wallow anymore.

*grumble grumble*

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:07 AM | | links to this post


Sunday, March 05, 2006
A conflict of interest? As a TKA client, I think not!

Deidre Knight posted a fantastic blog on a continuing misconception in the publishing/agenting world. This being that it is a conflict of interest for an agent to write books in the same genre she represents.

Check out her blog and then let her know what you think! She's opened the forum up for discussion.

Agents Who Write Books--A Conflict of Interest?

posted by Mel Francis @ 12:52 PM | | links to this post


Friday, March 03, 2006
If you don't watch the show "24" you won't get this

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell about it.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.




www.jackbauerfacts.com

posted by Mel Francis @ 4:02 PM | | links to this post



8 year old logic

So, I was “coaching” my youngest son’s soccer team last night. And by “coaching” I mean I was standing in front of the bench yelling “Follow your kicks! Attack the ball! What are you waiting on, an invitation?” Yes, I’m a helluva coach.

In my defense, I did refuse to coach anymore because it’s getting to the point where you have know the rules. And I don’t know diddly about soccer. I should. I’ve been married to a soccer player for almost 13 years now. But no. The soccer rules and I have not become one in the universe. But, I’m coaching because my husband signed up to coach both boys. Which would be fantastic if the boys didn’t play at the same time. And since they have been playing at the same time, I’ve been “choosing” the lesser of two evils by coaching the 8 year olds. And by “choosing” I mean, not having a choice at all.

Where was I? Oh yes. “Coaching” soccer.

My son, Rader, is very determined and competitive. Soccer is a team sport and we (I say we because if I HAVE to coach the games, I should get some credit) try very hard to make the kids understand that. But last night, the kids didn’t get anything. It was more like kickball than soccer. Herding snails would’ve been easier.

Rader decided he was Superman Soccer last night and took it upon himself to win the game. Forget the team. He didn’t need no stinkin’ team. He was Rader the Fearless. He could do it. And he did score our only two goals. (we’re not going to mention how many goals the other guys scored) But he also managed to wind up bashed around quite a bit. He took one hit to the nards that had him sitting for a while. I thought for sure he’d be talking in a higher octave for a day or two.

“Rader, what’s the deal? Have you forgotten you have 3 other teammates out there? They can help you if you let them.”

He sighed and did a semi-roll of the eyes. “Mom. It’s obvious they don’t want it bad enough. Besides, you can only help those who help themselves.”

Can’t argue with that logic, I guess.

posted by Mel Francis @ 1:23 PM | | links to this post


 

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