Melissa Francis : Bitchin' Fiction!: May 2007

Wednesday, May 30, 2007
i command thee...

While I'm at home trying to heal myself, I thought I'd order you guys to buy my friend's book. We call her Naughty Kate for a reason, you know.... Buy it now:

Where Have all the Cowboys Gone? (Cheek) (Paperback) by Kate Pearce (Author)

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you’re Lauren
Redstone. In her case, a little klutziness at a hotel bar turns into an unexpected opportunity to indulge in her most erotic fantasy – sex with a real, honest-to-goodness cowboy. When Lauren wakes up the next morning, she discovers she’s gotten more than a night of incredible passion – she’s also sporting a brand new, sparkling gold wedding band.

Grayson Turner never expected a woman like Lauren to literally fall into his lap. He may have only recently traded his pinstriped suits for a dusty Stetson, but if the lady wanted a cowboy, he figured he fit the bill well enough. This was Vegas, after all, and marriage to this sexy woman fits his goals even better than a single hot night in the desert.

But Lauren’s plans don’t include a lifetime commitment to one man. Not when she has a nice safe life with her retro props business and a firm desire to stay far away from controlling men like her father. Love isn’t even a factor in her game plan. But her sexy cowboy isn’t ready to fold his hand just yet. Can he convince her that true love always wins the game in the end?

Labels: books, must buys, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 12:23 PM | | links to this post

Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i'm back...

I've returned home from my first ever San Francisco trip. I not only managed to bring with me a bagful of useless SF souvenirs and some great new clothing...I also managed to bring home a stomach bug. I wasn't feeling well on the plane from SFO to DFW. When we landed, I ran to the bathroom, pulled my phone out to check the time, realized the plane was boarding and rushed to make my flight...promptly leaving my phone in the bathroom.

Sigh.

I realized my error after they had closed the doors. I spoke to the flight attendant and he told me it happens all the time and instructed me on what to do when I landed. We landed. I talked with the attendant at the desk and he gave me the number for Lost and Found in DFW. He wasn't as optimistic as my flight attendant but he said maybe I'd get lucky.

I headed to baggage claim thinking "Oh well. that's what I have insurance for."

Fishdog and Rader pick me up and we head to a restaurant. I'm starting to really feel bad, bad enough that I don't even want a beer. I order soup and eat only a couple of bites before we head home. While we're there, Mark receives a call from me. LOL Someone did find my phone and turned it in to AA. He instructed me to call Lost and Found in the morning, and they would help me get my phone back. (I did just that this morning, and my phone is heading toward Oxford as I type. Thank you to the person who turned in my BlackJack!)

I realize I'm shivering when we get to the house, so I take my temperature: 101.1

Of course it is. Well, at least I'm at home now.

I call and talk to my rockin' boss and let her know that I definitely won't be back at work on Tuesday. She's cool with that, as she doesn't want me bringing my bug infested self to the office. Then I throw on three layers of clothing and an afghan, drink some hot tea, and watch the season finale of LOST that my family tivoed for me while I was gone.

Wow. That was an awesome show.

Pictures and SF stories will come soon. I hope I'll be feeling 100% tomorrow so I can head back to work. Right now, that's debatable.

It's good to be home.

Labels: Blackjack, vacation

posted by Mel Francis @ 2:58 PM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 23, 2007
a wee crush

I realized last night when my oldest son smiled with pride and squeezed my neck cuz he was so pleased with himself for bringing up his dismal grades and when my youngest son put in the Weird Al CD and began to sing along word for word that I have a small crush on my children.

Which is actually a nice change of pace for me, since in the not too distant past, I've contemplated killing them several times.

I guess that fine line between love and hate applies to motherhood as well.

And then there's the Fishdog. Sometimes I wonder how I deserve him. Last night, when I was

completely tired and cranky, he fixed me soup and offered to pack for my San Francisco trip. A trip he's not even going on. Honestly, that was just the sweetest thing. I was tempted to take him up on the offer, but then I realized his good intentions would backfire because he'd probably pack nothing I would want to take. So, I declined and packed for myself this morning.

Anyway, it just dawned on me that love really is a funny thing. (could I fill this blog with anymore cliches today? I mean, really?) A day comes along like yesterday that makes me forget all the stupid things they do and all the reasons I want to smack them and abandon them on the side of a dirt road in the middle of Deliverance-land.

In honor of Rader's fascination with Weird Al...I give you Close But No Cigar(hey look, another cliche!)...there's nothing quite like watching your 9 year old sing this...

Labels: fishdog, lurve, the kids, vacation, you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:01 AM | | links to this post

Monday, May 21, 2007
left coast bound...

T-minus 2 days...and I'll be popping my San Francisco cherry. I can't wait.

My friend Andrea asked me to come to her hometown with her for Memorial Weekend to celebrate her 40th birthday. Of course, I'm happy to celebrate her turning 40 before me...and I'm even happier to do it in city like San Francisco.

My friend Naughty Kate lives in SF...I hope we can connect while I'm there; but my itinerary is pretty much up to the people I'm relying on for transportation.

We're spending all day and all night in the city on Saturday night. I'm afraid San Francisco won't ever be the same after I'm through with it...

Things I'm looking forward to while there:

diversity. I live in Oxford, MS. Diverse is not exactly how I would describe this quaint little literary town. Wanting to be diverse and actually accomplishing that are two different things.
gay men. I miss gay men. There just aren't any (in the open) here. I need a new gbf. Maybe I can find one on the left coast.
fresh seafood. Really, is an explanation needed for that?
the wharf. I know, how very touristy of me. But really, how can I go to SF and not go to The Wharf?
the weather. Being in the south, we've already had our share of 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. and it's only MAY. So, I'm really looking forward to a few days of cool air. I'm also going to enjoy breathing in the air without feeling like I'm sucking it through a wet cotton ball.

In other news, I connected with a couple of old friends of mine from high school today. There are a few people I've kept in touch with over the years and a few that I lost touch with but think about very often. Today, I exchanged emails with a couple of those folks and it was great.

I can't believe my 20 year reunion is this summer. Where did the time go?

Labels: vacation

posted by Mel Francis @ 6:00 PM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 16, 2007
mother's day

Usually, we do a movie for Mother's Day but this year, the only thing that the boys were willing to take me to was Spiderman 3 and it's not on my to see list. Looks a bit too melodramatic even for me. I like my cheese on a cracker, not on the big screen.

So I told them I wanted to plant an herb garden this year and they could help. Imagine the joy they felt in their hearts to know they were going to have to help Mom plant stuff instead of going to a movie.

In their defense, they managed to assist me with my tomatoes and peppers pretty much without complaint. But about five minutes into the herb portion of the planting, they wandered off toward the water hose and a mud puddle--where they spent the next 3 hours making a total mess of the backyard, but having a damn fine time doing it.

Here's the product of our labor:

I had Fishdog and the boys buy this planter spefically for my herb garden. Isn't it awesome? I planted 9 herbs: Lemon Basil, Dill, Thyme, Cilantro, Roesmary, Lemon Verbena, Parsley, and Oregeno

a close up

In the back row I have 3 tomato plant and the other 4 pots contain various peppers. I love homemade salsa, don't you?

Here's the front flowerbed that I finally managed to mulch on Sunday after spending all last weekend weeding and planting. If all works out like I've planned, all the empty spaces will soon be filled with wildflowers

The side garden (it's really all one big garden) This is where my roses are planted. They are doing beautifully now!

and just for fun, here's a pic of my bearded irises from the other side of the house.

posted by Mel Francis @ 1:10 PM | | links to this post

Monday, May 14, 2007
scandalized...

Later today, I'm going to blog about my Mother's Day and post pics of my new herb garden and potted tomato and pepper plants.

Right now though, I'm going to talk about Survivor.

I was absolutely scandalized by Dreamz's choice to keep the immunity necklace after he made that deal with Yau-Man.

For those of you who don't watch the show, here's the background info:

Yau-Man won a Ford f350 in a reward challenge a couple of weeks ago. He immdiately chose to use that truck as a bartering chip with Dreamz (who doesn't own a car). Yau's deal was that if he and Dreamz were both in the final 4 and Dreamz won immunity, that he would give that immunity necklace to Yau for the truck. Dreamz jumped at the chance. He swore to God and shook hands on the deal, then he spent the next two weeks saying he'd rather his son see him play with integrity and live up to his word than win the million bucks.

Fast forward to the final four. Dreamz won immunity so to me he had no choice. I was like Yau-Man...I never once imagined he'd renig on his deal. Imagine my surprise when he kept the immunity necklace and voted Yau out. Seriously, I was floored. Call me naïve, but I truly believe when a man gives his word like that, he has no choice but to live up to it. Wow. Guess I was wrong.

That's okay though, cuz Dreamz didn't think it all the way through...His decision to keep immunity cost him one million dollars. And Earl won...my #2 choice for the million. Yau was my #1 choice all the way.

I was very surprised at all the drama and anger directed toward Cassandra. Honestly, the folks on the jury needed to lighten up. They were killing me. Sour grapes is not pretty on TV.

To me, the ideal final three would've been Earl, Yau-Man, and Dreamz. I think Dreamz should've given the immunity idol to Yau and they should've voted Cassandra off. It would've been a tough vote and possibly it would've been a 3 way tie. That would've been awesome.

Labels: tv

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:26 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 09, 2007
i've been a very good girl...

I know, you're shocked. How can a woman who has a Naughty River be a very good girl? Seems impossible, I know. But it must be true because the gods don't answer the prayers of bad girls.

And today, my prayers were answered. (no, I didn't win the lottery. Obviously, I haven't been that good)

Today, the rain came and my heart did a little dance and sang a little song.

Am I happy for my flowers? Well, yes, that's the cherry on top of my happy sundae, but it's not the three scoops of ice cream.

I'm happy the rain came because I was being guilted into playing softball tonight.

By my husband.

Yes, he's a bad boy, using the guilt card on me...she who rarely feels guilt. But oh, when it comes to The Fishdog and my loyalties, he knows how to twist the knife.

You see, I haven't played softball in 3 years. A long time ago, I was a very good player. Today, I am a pretty good player with a lot of rust.

I stopped playing for the company team a few years back because I got sick of being at the fields 4 nights a week. Our summers were shot and it got to the point that the game I loved was becoming the game I loathed.

I made the mistake this year of telling Fishdog that I would be his backup-back-up-back-up-back-up player for this seasib. So he added me to the roster...and wouldn't you know it, 4 girls were traveling for work and 1 had the stomach bug. My time had come to step up to the plate...so to speak.

And I really, really, really didn't want to.

I silently prayed for rain. I did a couple of rain dances in the bathroom. I left the windows on my car down. I was contemplating washing my car when a rumble of thunder tickled my ear.

Could it be?

Could I really be so lucky?

Another roll of thunder tumbled through the sky and my heart began to patter to the beat of my rain-dancing feet. The sky turned into a roiling shade of gray. Lightning flashed.

But no rain came.

Or so I thought...

Apparently a flood hit where the softball fields are located and they canceled the games for tonight.

See, I told you. Obviously, I've been a very, very good girl and Fishdog got lucky that I didn't have to miss LOST to go out to battle the chiggers and mosquitoes in the world softball.

Labels: fishdog, guilt trips

posted by Mel Francis @ 6:10 PM | | links to this post

Tuesday, May 08, 2007
dirt

Earthy, muddy, sandy, gritty, worm-laden dirt.

I love it.

Due to our ~~ungodly~~ excitingly long soccer season and the fact that on occasion that we try to have a life outside of our ~~boring~~ busy life, my flower beds have been neglected. I remedied that situation this past weekend.

I was a hoeing ho. A bitch with the pitchfork. Me and my rake, we shaked and baked. (thank you, Ricky Bobby)

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry.

Anyway, this weekend I worked my ass off in my gardens. I weeded, planted, sowed, watered, clipped, trimmed and sweated like I had a glandular problem. I managed to plant three climbing vines: Fuschia, Trumpet vine, and Lady Bank's Rose as well as some Lantana.

I also sowed the seeds of love with some Bachelor's Buttons, English Daisies, Poppies, Snapdragons, Hollyhocks, Sweet Williams (much nicer than Mean Williams) and other assorted wildflowers.

I can't wait until they start blooming. Hopefully soon I can ~~brag about~~ show you some lovely pictures of the fruit of my labor.

Labels: gardening, seasons

posted by Mel Francis @ 3:24 PM | | links to this post

Friday, May 04, 2007
wow. it's friday already?

Well well well.

Friday. Already.

Good.

Last night was a very enjoyable night of TV. This has been the best season of Survivor in a whi

le...and I'm not sure if it's because this season actually has smarter players, or just smarter editing...either way, I'm happy.

I was worried last night that Yau-Man was gonna be voted off. Thankfully, he remains safe. Alex was right, the time for a power play was last night and it would've been smart to vote the little man off...but I like him so much and really want him in the finals.

Then there was Grey's Anatomy. Last night, they introduced Addison's spin-off show. I have been very opposed to this spin-off idea. It's like the writers have realized they fucked up with Grey's and so instead of fixing the problem within the show, they just wanna create another show and hope everyone will enjoy both. Well, let me tell

you...after last night's preview, I'm now a bigger fan of the spin-off. Tim Daly and Taye Diggs? On the same show? Oh yeah. I'm there. And I'm this close to dropping Grey's off my must watch list if they don't fix this asinine love triangle they have going between Izzy/George/and Callie.

Do they seriously want me to believe that

George--the Grey's Anatomy puppy--is getting it from two of the hottest chicks on the show? Really? Cuz in my opinon, in real life, he'd be the only one on that show NOT getting it. Spineless, indecisive men don't get laid. And they certainly don't get laid by two hot chicks like that.

Here's the thing...it's not that I dislike George...cuz I don't. But I don't find the direction they've taken his character believable. At. All. So, they better fix it soon.

Labels: tv

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:52 AM | | links to this post

Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wordsworth for the YouTube generation

I can not tell you how much I love this.

Go forth and listen.

Labels: lurve, poetry, you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:18 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 02, 2007
hah!

Mel takes a break from her Chardonnay (she decided on white instead of red tonight) to gloat.

For those of you who gave up on LOST, nearly gave up, or decided the writers didn't have a fucking clue as to what they were doing, I told you so.

That's all for now.

Oh, and isn't Sawyer just the hottest thing next to white flame?

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:53 PM | | links to this post

blogging catch up...

It's the beginning of the month, and therefore my busiest time at the office. I tend to be fairly absent from the blogosphere during the first week of the month, and this week has been no exception. My apologies to everyone who has been waiting with bated breath for my next post.

Lucky for y'all, you won't have to wait any longer...

Do you guys ever watch Maury Povich? I mean, sit down and really watch the show? I don't either...usually. But that changed Monday afternoon. Maury was doing another 'baby daddy' show where the momma is convinced the her ex-husband-who's-shackin'-up-with-that-skanky-ho is the baby daddy. And Maury sits next to momma and pats her knee and talks to her in his serious voice as the ex-husband and the skanky ho sit across from them yelling vulgarities...while Maury reads the paternity results. And wouldn't you know it? The ex-husband-who's-shackin'-up-with-that-skanky-ho is not the baby daddy.

Chaos and drama follows while the momma runs off stage and the skanky-ho yells more vulgarities and the ex-husband celebrates.

Same ol', same ol', right?

Not this week...because Maury and momma were testing man #17 to find out if he was in fact, the baby daddy.

Yes, the 17th man.

It just makes me hurt thinking about it. Maybe KY should seriously consider advertising during that show...or being a sponsor. Along with Johnson and Johnson. Or maybe even Trojans...of course, if condom makers started advertising on the show, Maury might soon be out of a job...

In other news, The Smart Bitches have magically brewed up another controversy over in their little slice of the blogosphere. Maybe that should be the Bitchosphere. It started with this benign bitchfest over the lack of wit this cover model displayed during an interview. (if you have time, watch the interview...it's pretty entertaining) Now, I was inclined to ignore the dim factor of said cover model because A: my eye candy doesn't have to be smart and B: who am I to throw stones, I'll probably sound pretty stupid myself when I have my first interview.

Of course, I'll never be dim enough to say something as ridiculous as:

If it comes from God we have to eat it

I mean, we all say stupid things every once in a while, right? (okay, maybe not that stupid, but I'm trying to cut Mr. Cover Model a break. I'm sure he knew what he meant...)

But then said eye candy (or someone posing as him) decided to post a scathing comment to the blog. What a fool. The bitches picked up that stick and ran around the room with it. Go on, read the letter. I'll wait.

Let me say it again--what a fool. Seriously. What was he thinking? If the person who left that comment isn't Mr. Cover Model, then he's possibly done some serious damage to Mr. Cover Model's rep. If the person who left that comment is Mr. Cover Model...then dim bulb doesn't even begin to describe him...

That's all for tonight. I'm off to open a lovely bottle of Pinot Noir and finish reading Red Lily. (Thank you, Nora Roberts for being able to write such vivid characters and making it so that I am compelled to read 3 books in 3 days. God I hope one day I can write like that...)

Labels: idiots, tv

posted by Mel Francis @ 4:39 PM | | links to this post