Melissa Francis : Bitchin' Fiction!: September 2007

Thursday, September 27, 2007
i love hats!

Seriously. This is my favorite new commercial. Tim Gunn is the cutest thing EVAH. And if he wanted to come dress my fat ass in some K-Mart bed linens and kitchenware, I'd let him.

Labels: you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 6:44 PM | | links to this post

Tuesday, September 25, 2007
my duck...

I'm taking a small writing break to share a story.

The Fishdog is a music madman. If it's out there, he's heard it. The more obscure, the more likely it is that he'll not only know the song, he probably has it on his MP3 player.

This has rubbed off on our kids. It's amazing to see these guys singing songs I didn't even know they'd heard of. And we're pretty wide open musically and honestly, there's very little we don't let the kids listen to.

But there is this one song on the MP3 player that I've forbidden for a while because of the subject...

Of course, you know what happened. Fishdog and I left the kids in the car while we ran back into the house to grab something we'd forgotten. And, as luck would have it, the song came on.

I discretely asked Fishdog if he thought they got the lyrics and understood what the song was about. He just laughed out loud. I mean, it's hardly a subtle song.

Ian starts asking "What?" and Rader says, "Are you talking about that, My Duck song?"

Oh yeah, My Duck. That's what the song says.

For those of you who are easily offended (why are you reading my blog?)or are at work without headphones, don't click this video. Everyone else, please listen and try hard not to sing along saying "My Duck"...

Labels: fishdog, the kids, you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:51 AM | | links to this post

4 a.m.

It's still dark outside and I'm up writing. Not sure how long I will last, but that's not important. It's going well and I'm thrilled.

will check back in later....

Labels: excuses for not blogging, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 4:08 AM | | links to this post

Friday, September 21, 2007
hello again.

I took a day off from Blogging because I was too busy writing. I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday and it felt great and I didn't wanna break the momentum to talk about nothing.

Which, let's face it, my blog is the "Seinfeld" of blogs. Which is fine. Apparently I can talk about nothing all day long.

I'm sitting in Community Bakery this morning, enjoying my hubby's company and my cup o' joe. We've been temporarily relocated to my in-laws' house, due to an unfortunate septic tank incident. Fishdog's parents don't have a wireless network. Hell, they barely have internet, truth be told. So, we had to set out this morning for food and our internet fix. MUST. CHECK. MAIL. she says, thumping a vein...Hurry. Hurry....

Ahhhhhh. Much better. I can't imagine not being able to wake up and log in to delete the 17 spam messages I get every morning.

I'll be spending next week in Oxford. My plan is to become a hermit inside my own home and write. I have a lofty page count goal, but since I'll have no kids, no hubby, no carpool line, no soccer, no cross-country...I might be able to hit my mark.

Today I have my first hair appointment since relocating. This girl has been highly recommended by a friend and apparently enjoys a client who enjoys changing her hair. We'll see what happens...

So what's going on with you? Anything big happen this week or any plans for next?

Oh and before I forget...
Woo Pig Sooie! Beat Kentucky!

Labels: excuses for not blogging, family, fishdog, hair

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:54 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, September 19, 2007
procrastination post #2

It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day:

My pirate name is:

Mad Ethel Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Here's my earlier post, reworked Pirate style:

"t's early, that's for damn aye. Too early t' be up cleanin'...which obviously I'm not doin' since I'm bloggin'. I can has procrastinashun. Last night, after a full day o' dustin', cleanin', sneezin' and watchin' 2 movies (oops, I accidentally sat down with t' TV on...that'll show me!) I went t' what crawled out o' t' bung hole with me bucko Andrea. It was nice t' just sit and chill...and sneeze. Damn those dusty blinds! where's me claritin?

Now this mornin' I have t' finish vacuumin' t' cat hair out o' t' air and off t' furniture, mop t' floor and hit t' road. Fishdog was up all night workin' (I don't know if gettin' this new Powerbook was such a good idea now) so he was comin' t' bed as I was makin' coffee. He's gonna get up when t' sun comes up, mow and clean t' carport. Then we should be ready for this weekend's open house.

We have t' go aft t' Little Rock today because Ian's first cross-country meet be this afternoon. It won't be thrillin' t' sit at t' finish line and wait, but it be thrillin' that Ian be runnin'. I hope he sticks it out. Anyway, I think I've procrastinated enough. Must. Clean. (after another cup o' coffee, o' course...)"

Labels: Pirates

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:14 AM | | links to this post

what time is it?

It's early, that's for damn sure.

Too early to be up cleaning...which obviously I'm not doing since I'm blogging.

I can has procrastinashun.

Last night, after a full day of dusting, cleaning, sneezing and watching 2 movies (oops, I accidentally sat down with the TV on...that'll show me!) I went to dinner with my friend Andrea. It was nice to just sit and chill...and sneeze. Damn those dusty blinds! where's my claritin?

Now this morning I have to finish vacuuming the cat hair out of the air and off the furniture, mop the floor and hit the road. Fishdog was up all night working (I don't know if getting this new Powerbook was such a good idea now) so he was coming to bed as I was making coffee. He's gonna get up when the sun comes up, mow and clean the carport. Then we should be ready for this weekend's open house.

We have to go back to Little Rock today because Ian's first cross-country meet is this afternoon. It won't be thrilling to sit at the finish line and wait, but it is thrilling that Ian is running. I hope he sticks it out.

Anyway, I think I've procrastinated enough. Must. Clean. (after another cup of coffee, of course...)

Labels: fishdog, moving

posted by Mel Francis @ 4:57 AM | | links to this post

Tuesday, September 18, 2007
dirty bitch

I'm a dirty bitch right now.

I've come back to Oxford to dust and mop for our Open House this weekend and I am filthy.

Who knew there could be so much dust in one house...especially in the blinds? (probably everyone knew but me since I apparently never dust. Hey Mel, if you dusted more, this wouldn't be a problem!)

So, anyway, that's not the only thing that makes me dirty...I discovered yesterday that something really is wrong with me.

It's not a secret that I'm not right in the head. Not long ago, I confessed my lust for Steve from Blue's Clues. I opened up my heart and let it bleed on my blog. And now I'm about to do it again.

Remember the country boy from Sling Blade? You know, little Lucas Black? Well, I've been watching this boy grow up and finding my thoughts turning toward the impure as he became a teenager. Friday Night Lights was a great movie (and a great TV show, too) and Lucas was extremely hot. But too young for me to call hot, so I just ignored the naughtiness that meandered inside me. But then last night, I finally watched The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Oh how my naughty river flowed once again.

Thank God he's 25 years old now. At least I'm not as dirty as I first thought. Which I think is a good thing...

Labels: lust, movies

posted by Mel Francis @ 3:14 PM | | links to this post

Saturday, September 15, 2007
i'm a loser...but i'm having fun

So, Marley wins...I mean, 'Bama wins. We sucked. It sucked. I drank and didn't care after a while. But I still love my Piggies and I'm still a Houston Nutt supporter. Go Hogs. Sorry you brought home the big L tonight.

After the game and many beers, we pulled out the Fishdog's new Mac Powerbook. I love this machine. I love typing on it and I love the fact that I can take funky pictures with it.

Labels: family, fishdog, football, misc., razorbacks, wtf

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:11 PM | | links to this post

go hogs go!

WOO PIG SOOIE!

Spank 'Bama!

Today, my friend becomes my "enemy". I love you, Marley. But today, we must fight.

For those who are interested, last year my Piggies beat 'Bama in 2 overtimes...It was ugly, but I was wearing my beer goggles so ugly didn't matter....

Labels: football, lurve, razorbacks

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:30 AM | | links to this post

Friday, September 14, 2007
friday, part the 2nd...

I volunteered at the school today and they worked me over like a cheap hooker. Okay, maybe not the best metaphor considering the fact this is a Catholic school, but you get the picture. It was 5 hours of hard labor--without an epidural. Trust me, drugs would've helped, tremendously.

I had a good time despite the fact I was wishing for a hit of pain killers. I hung out with a cool Egyptian chick (been in America since '68 so really she's more American than Egyptian now...) anyway, Maggie is the mother of 3 beautiful girls. You know, dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes...the kinda girls that will be called "exotic beauties" when they're older. We had a great time. We spent the day moving and unpacking boxes and ~~laughing at~~ assisting the ~~snooty~~ other moms were also there to "help".

So, this whole Catholic immersion thing is new to me. A: I'm protestant and a lapsed protestant at that. B: I think organized religion ruins spirituality C: What do you mean Mass doesn't count except on Saturday's after 4:00 pm and on Sundays? If it doesn't count, why the hell are y'all going all the damn time? But I'm hanging in there and being as supportive as I can be for ~~a heathen~~ an uneducated protestant.

Sometimes I worry one of the parents will find my blog and my kids will be kicked out because their mom has had naughty thoughts about Steve from Blue's Clues (honestly, can they forgive a naughty river?), has posted ~~half~~ nekkid pictures of hot guys, is writing a Vampire YA, and gets pretty hot and bothered when reading MMF. Could you imagine that conversation?

"But she's in PTO. She can't be all bad."
"But she likes reading MMF sex! I bet she liked watching Queer as Folk... (I did. Hot naked guys for 1 hour a week. Duh.)
"She writes about the undead. She's a sinner."
"We could convert her..."
"Um. Do we really want to convert her?"
"Good point."

Of course, this is my overactive imagination working overdrive ( I write fiction, you know?) The school takes our money and welcomes us into their fold. It's been fabulous there. The kids like it tremendously and I've felt very welcome by the people who count. (actually, the majority of the school and administration has been more than welcoming. Just one or two moms have tried their best to make me feel uncomfortable. They didn't realize I thrive in controversy...)

Just because I feel like it, here's one of my favorite scenes from Rush Hour (shut up, I like this movie). It's not the scene I quote the most... ("Do you hear the words that are comin' out of my mouf?") But it is one of my favorite scenes. Enjoy, bitches.

Labels: i need a drink, moving, the kids, you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 7:44 PM | | links to this post

friday...

Okay, so I've been told it's Friday. I am volunteering at the school today after my workout...we're moving some stuff into the new school building, so it's okay that I'll be stinky and sweaty when I get there.

Fishdog finally blogged again. He's gotten his new Mac laptop and has been playing with all the new features. Here's a sample:

For more, go here: Fishdog's Flophaus. Tell him twfkam sent ya.

Labels: fishdog, fun

posted by Mel Francis @ 6:36 AM | | links to this post

Thursday, September 13, 2007
i crown thee...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Royal Highness Mel the Haunted of Fishbourne Sneething
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Bow to me...
My thanks to Naughty Kate for letting me borrow her ~~LV Purse~~ blog.

Labels: misc.

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:53 PM | | links to this post

keyword analysis

First of all, thanks to everyone who popped over to the Cafe to say Hi! I appreciate it...and I fully expect you guys to do that for me every month. Today, Tess Harrison is discussing her love of book buying over there, so add the HEA Cafe to your daily read.

I've had some interesting search tool referrals lately. None as interesting as what they get over at Smart Bitches or KillerRants . I obviously don't talk about man-titty and camel toes enough. (must. change. that.)

This week though, I've had multiple google hits for "heinous anus", and "spanked pics". Something must be in the air. Oh, and my favorite, "melissa francis hot". (Yeah, I know they're probably looking for the CNBC anchor, but let me dream for a second, please...)

One person googled my maiden name: "mel mckenzie radio". Part of me wondered if it was an old high school friend who remembered that fateful day a local station hosted "complain about a teacher" day.

Gee, guess who called in? One of these days, I might have to tell y'all that story...

Someone who works for Safeway in Salt Lake City googled "melissa francis husband". Honey? is there something you need to tell me? LOL

I get a kick out of reading my blog stats. I have a lot more readers than I realized. (You should all delurk one day and say howdy. Today would be good...)

Anyway, I've decided I'm just going end my blogs with a random word or phrase just to see if it pumps up the blog hits. Kristen Painter* had read somewhere that just mentioning Alan Rickman will increase your traffic....so I'll start there.

Alan Rickman is hot when he's not Severus Snape or the spitting Sheriff in Robin Hood. The more evil his character, the more hot he is to me...except as Snape, which frankly, ki

nda grosses me out. However, as much as I love his bad guys, I think my favorite of his characters was Col. Brandon in Sense and Sensibility. He made me swoon in that movie. Swoon, I tell ya.

*go read Kristen's blog if you wanna find out how totally weird her mind is. She had a dream about me and Louisa -- topless. Which, really isn't far fetched...however, the company we were keeping...Just. Not. Right.

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:41 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
being writerly over at the cafe today

Join me at the HEA Cafe today! I'm being all writerly and stuff. If you stop by, leave me a comment!

Labels: writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 6:38 AM | | links to this post

Monday, September 10, 2007
13 year old logic--or lack thereof

Me: Ian, you haven't done your literature. It's incomplete. It's inaccurate.

Ian: (Shrug)

Me: Why?

Ian: (Shrug. Lip smack. Eye roll. ) Because it is.

Me: (steam flowing from my ears. Blood streaming from my nose due to the aneurysm) Explain why it just is. With words. Minus the visuals and sound effects. (I think I growled, and then I popped a ventricle from trying not to yell...)

Ian: I don't like that teacher. That's why it just is.

He doesn't like his teacher? So in order to hurt his teacher, he doesn't do his work?

Yeah. That's some logic right there. I mean, that's like uber-advanced-college-thesis-level logic. It's so high level, I need a diagram to help me understand.

Labels: i need a drink, idiots, the kids, wtf

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:49 PM | | links to this post

au bouquet de Tyne Daly

Yesterday afternoon, Fishdog and I had drinks with some good friends. You know how hard it is to find a couple you and your spouse love equally? Well, Chris and DeeDee are our perfect match.

Unfortunately, there is a problem with our friendship.

We get stupid together. Totally, unbelievably, ridiculously stupid.

Stoooooopid.

Yesterday's stupidity began with one of Chris's favorite questions: "Which character am I gonna be in your book?"

I explain that I'm not sure but maybe I'll make him a bad sheriff. Or the hot teacher.

Both options meet his approval. Then he asks, "Who's gonna play me in the movie."

That's easy enough. "Timothy Dalton. You guys could be twins." (it's true. They look remarkably alike--of course, Chris is 20 years younger, so Timothy will have to have a good make-up artist, but it could work...)

Again, this meets Chris's approval.

Then he asks me, "Are you gonna have a fart joke in your book? Cuz you know, flatulence can make or break a story." (what is it with boys and fart jokes?)

So, at the same time that Chris is talking about farts, Fishdog is still casting the movie. When Chris says something about farting, Fishdog says Tim Daly should be cast as Chris's character. I say something about "loving me some Tim Daly" and what does DeeDee hear?

"I love me some Tyne Daly farts."

OMG. Stooooopid.

But it gets worse. We couldn't let it go. Suddenly, we've cast Tyne Daly as Chris's character and Chris says he doesn't mind if Tyne plays his character in the movie as long as she farts. So for the rest of the afternoon, if Tyne Daly was mentioned, you had to make a fart noise. And now I've been commanded to write in a character that can be played by Tyne Daly and that character must have a flatulence problem. I don't know how well a Farting Vampire will go over with YA girls, but I'm guessing I may be able to appeal to the teenage boy demographic if I write that character.

We were all crying from laughing so hard. I don't know which is worse, the fact that we were sober when we created the Tyne Daly Fart Game or the fact that I'm really considering writing that character into the book.

This author has no knowledge of Tyne Daly's actual flatulence issues or lack thereof. No offense to Tyne Daly intended...

Labels: farts, friends, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 12:44 PM | | links to this post

Sunday, September 09, 2007
have things changed?

In the comments of my last post, Liz said:

I haven't been to a high school football game since I was in high school. I too miss it, although my memories of the games include sneaking drinks in, chatting, walking off site to smoke, and checking out the 17 year old guys. Have things changed?

In a word? Nope.

But apparently I have.

It's a bit strange being an adult at a high school function. I haven't seen so much eye rolling and gum smacking in one place ever! I looked around for a 17 year old guy to make out with, but they were all already occupied in the with their own girlfriends. Darn.

The clicks are still around in full force. The junior high kids go off and nerd it up together. The senior high girls are all wearing too much make up and showing too much skin. Whatever happened to jeans and t-shirts at a football game? When did hoochie "skirts" become the in thing for a football game. Honey, when you sit down, we see your bidniz. K? And when you stumble down the bleachers and fall because you've had one too many "Cokes", well, we can really see your bidniz. Put on a pair of pants. Hell, I'm not picky. Put on some panties! The kids don't need an anatomy lesson just yet.

The senior high boys are all trying so hard to look nonchalant that they all end up looking constipated.

Pretty much, things haven't changed at all.

Saturday was busy, busy for us. We got up and went to the park for a family run. Fishdog and Ian ran about 1.5 miles and Rader and I walked and ran a mile. We were getting ready to start our second trip around the track when a yellow jacket decided to attack. It got Rader on the arm, landed on his ear and I knocked it away. We ran toward the van, got about 10 ft. away from the original sting site, and that bitch yellow jacket caught up to Rader, landed on h

is shoulder blade and stung him again. Bitch had to die! Get my boy twice! Of course, you know how bad those things hurt and Rader did a good job of letting Saline County hear his wailing. After a while, he was okay. I was afraid he was gonna let the drama interfere with his soccer game that afternoon, but he manned up and managed to play a helluva game. The kids lost, but I was proud of the way Rader played.

Now the weekend is over, today we rest, hang out with some friends, and tomorrow we start all over. Soccer, cross-country, confirmation class, CYM Jr., working out...oh, and writing. Yeah. Gotta fit my job into my busy schedule!

Labels: exercise, family, football, the kids, when insects attack, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 1:21 PM | | links to this post

Friday, September 07, 2007
days go by

What day is it?

Oh, FRIDAY.

That's been the strangest thing for me since I stopped working at my office job. I can't keep up with the days of the week. Even the fact that I'm taking the kids to school everyday doesn't seem to help. I'm always carting them around anyway, right?

I'm not complaining, mind you. It's just strange that today is Friday and I'm not feeling that "THANK GOD!" excitement hum through me. And come Monday, I won't feel that, "it's really Monday?" sense of dread as my alarm goes off. That is a nice change. I feel much more even and happy.

Yesterday I completed my chapter. I'm thinking that library thing might really work out, so I'm gonna do it a couple of days a week, I think. But I have to take a sweater because they keep the temperature set on Meat Locker in there. Burrrrrrr.

Ian completed his first full week of cross-country yesterday. He's been whining like an old lady about his thighs and how much he hurts. I just hand him two Advil and tell him to drink plenty of water. Poor baby. He thought because he was skinny that meant he was in shape. Hah!

Rader's soccer team looks like they might be pretty good. I really like the coach, he's Irish (so I love listening to him talk) and he loves soccer and he's good with the kids. Fishdog's gonna help out when he's around more. Rader is still struggling with running, too. We're gonna have to make this running thing into a family thing. Not that I'm any better off the elliptical. But I think I could manage ten mins of running. Maybe.

Fishdog is coming back tonight. Rader's first game is tomorrow and the Fishdog has a game on Sunday. Ian's first cross-country meet is the 19th. That should be interesting. I've never been to a cross-country meet before. I hope Ian's competitive side kicks in and he runs through the pain. LOL

I'm taking the boys to the Catholic High football game tonight. They play my high school's rival, Benton. It should be fun. I miss high school football and tonight should be perfect. Unless it's raining. I don't miss it that much.

Labels: football, the kids, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:31 AM | | links to this post

Thursday, September 06, 2007
do not disturb

at the library.

I have one and a half hours before my first PTO meeting.

Must. Write.

Will have 2 hours after PTO to write.

I'll check in later. After I kill the guy two tables over listening to Usher on his MP3 player so loud that I can sing along...

Labels: idiots, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:13 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, September 05, 2007
have you met Meez?

posted by Mel Francis @ 2:01 PM | | links to this post

horseshoes and hand grenades

Writing

I almost made my goal yesterday. I actually completed a scene which completed a chapter, but I did not write an entire chapter.

As my daddy always said, "Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."

So, today's goal: complete 1 chapter.

Other

It's storming today in Arkansas, and boy am I glad. We've desperately needed the rain as well as the cooling temperatures. It came a quick flood yesterday afternoon. A short burst of angry rain that nearly washed us off the road as we drove toward Rader's soccer practice. Of course, by the time we arrived at the fields, the rain was over, which was great, because Rader really needed to practice.

He did well during practice but when the coach made him run a lap of the 3 fields, he nearly died. We told him during the last part of summer during his slouching, eating, and video game phase that soccer was gonna kill him if he didn't get outside and run a little. Well, he figured it out real quick last night.

Ian started Cross Country yesterday, too. His coach said he hit that 1st mile with no problem, but about a quarter into the 2nd mile: problem. It seemed the summer couch potato lifestyle came back and bit him on the arse as well. LMAO. He runs 3 days a week at school. They'll both be running with me the other days. I'm thinking being out run by your big momma might be incentive to get into shape. We'll see.

Last night, after the kids went to bed, I settled in with my Kresley Cole book (I'm so gonna stalk her. She's like awesome and totally in need of a new BFF. ) I was reading about this hot Scottish Vampire while the rain drummed soothingly on the tin roof of the porch when all of a sudden this loud freaking CRASH and BOOM shook the house. I thought a deer had crashed through the back porch. I turned on the light with the full expectation of finding a terrified 30 point buck thrashing around the patio.

Nothing.

Hmmmm.

So, we traipse into the backyard with our flashlight and began to investigate. We saw a very large tree limb on the roof of the patio. As we're standing there, we hear a very loud CRRRRRRRAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKK and another limb falls, scaring the piss out of us all. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, well except for the patio roof.. It was so loud it woke the kids, but they quickly got over it and went back to sleep.

And I settled back in with my sexxxxy vampire and the steady drumming of rain. With a glass of wine for my nerves.

Labels: books, family, soccer, the kids, writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:54 AM | | links to this post

Tuesday, September 04, 2007
today...

I write. My goal: 1 chapter.

I'll report back when that chapter is completed. If you don't hear from me in a couple of days, you'll know I've drowned in the white space.

Labels: writing

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:19 AM | | links to this post

Sunday, September 02, 2007
heh.

You Belong in 1962

You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.

What Year Do You Belong In?

I'm in Oxford this weekend, just chillin'. Fishdog is heading to watch the Ole Miss Lady Rebels Soccer team play. I think I'm just gonna go next door and swim.

posted by Mel Francis @ 12:41 PM | | links to this post